Early 21st Century, U.S. Rationality

{We are in a courtroom – judge, jury, prosecuting attorney, defense attorney, defendant, bailiff, a few people in the gallery.}

Judge – next case

Bailiff – People of the State vs. Stump: Mr. Stump is accused of multiple counts: committing fraudulent financial schemes, tax evasion, theft, plus sexual assault. 

Judge – opening statements – Attorney for the State.

Prosecutor 1 – Your honor, members of the jury, the State will be presenting a case for every one of these counts with records, eyewitness and victim testimony, plus DNA evidence.  Mr. Stump knowingly and purposefully has defrauded thousands of people, never filed taxes on any of his legitimate or ill-gained profits, and has gotten away with raping several women with the use of payoffs and nondisclosure agreements.  We have a case that will, to any rational mind, leave no room for doubt about Mr. Stump having committed every one of these crimes, and having done so without remorse, in fact with pride in them as positive accomplishments.  Thank you.

Judge – Attorney for the Defense

Defense Attorney – Your honor, if indeed you are honorable, and members of the jury, whom we love and respect and understand in ways that elitists like judges and prosecutors never can:  We’re not here to say that our client is pure as the driven snow, because face it, none of us are, and all of us are in this world doing the best we can to play the game with the rules or by getting around them, am I right? 

{two of the jury members nod agreement}

At the heart of the matter, though isn’t whether my client is “good” or “bad,” but that the people making the case against him aren’t so great either. 

Did you know that Prosecuting Attorney number 1 over there was seen going 64 miles per hour in a 55 mile per hour zone regularly over the past six months on the same stretches of highway?  That’s 9 miles per hour more than the law allows, but this enforcer of the law on you and me feels he’s above the law, unlike everyone else!

{4 members of the jury murmur between themselves, shuffle in their seats}

Did you also know that Prosecuting Attorney number 2, the dark man (and it’s not that I have anything against people not being white, but he is pretty dark) sitting next to Mr. above-the-law, staying strangely silent, has at least ten overdue books from the public library on which he has not yet paid the fees.  This “public servant” is cheating the public out of their rightful money and denying them the opportunity for education which those books afford!

{now 5 members of the jury look troubled and shake their heads}

Prosecuting Attorney 2 – Objection – irrelevance.

Defense Attorney – Of course he is objecting – far too much to hide!

Judge – I will uphold the objection based on irrelevance.  Mr. Defense Attorney, please proceed to address the charges before your client.

Defense Attorney – Oh, you’d like it if I did that, wouldn’t you, “your honor.”  Members of the jury, the reason that the judge here wishes to steer your attention to some misbehavior of my client is to protect his cronies who also protect his secret that he once cheated on his wife – with a man!

Judge – What?  Are you talking about Harold?  That’s ridiculous!  I was single.  I had gone on one date with the woman who I ended up marrying two years later and I was still seeing Harold once in a while. There’s nothing illegal or immoral about anything I did.  This is not the case before us, nor is it anyone’s business

Defense Attorney – Aha! So you admit that you fornicated -  sodomized - with someone after you had already met the woman you’re married to.

Judge – As I said, that’s not the point.  It’s not relevant at all to Mr. Stump’s case.  You are out of order, and if you proceed this way, I will hold you in contempt.

Defense Attorney – No sir, I hold you in contempt with your elitist, gay agenda, trying to steer clear of the judgment of the good and decent people of our society with your dark conspiracies! 

{two members of the jury raise their fists in the air and cheer}

Why, after all, are you trying so hard to protect the prosecuting attorneys? 

Is it because Prosecuting Attorney number 1, the Jewish one over there, had bodies in his trunk on each of his reckless speeding episodes, which explains his reckless speeding to try to get them hidden?? 

Is it because Prosecuting Attorney number 2, the black one next to him, is secretly holding onto code in those library books which reveals the satanic, elitist, liberal, communist gay, pedophilic, cannibal rites and names all of you??

{four members of the jury stand, wave their fists, and start chanting “hang the judge!”}

Judge – Order!  Bailiff, I’m calling for order.  Clear the room!

Bailiff – Nope.  Mr. Stump seems pretty cool, and I’ll hear his lawyer out.  You’re on your own.  What are you liberal, big government rich people doing for me?  Do you know how hard enforcing the law is for a plain, normal guy just trying to do his job?

Prosecuting Attorney 2:  This is ridiculous!  What the Defense Attorney is accusing us of is petty and hardly criminal.  Mr. Stump is a consummate con artist, tax evader, and rapist!  How can we be comparing this??

Defense Attorney:  There it is, trying to point the finger back at my client to remove your gaze from their guilt!  Typical Welfare Queen-Affirmative-Action-Harvard-educated, back-stabbing, socialist liberal agenda tactics!

Prosecuting Attorney 2:  I went to University of Minnesota and I’m still carrying $40k in debt since I chose government employment over big profit.  Defense Attorney, didn’t you graduate from Columbia Law?  Aren’t you making millions on this case alone??

Defense Attorney:  Where I went and what I do isn’t the business of the government.  Now I’m on trial from you big government, Soviet Nazi Pinko Jew Black Fags??  Next thing you’ll do is try to poison us all with nerve agents that turn us all into gay communists.  You’ll be claiming it’s a vaccine to save our lives, but really it’s mind control!!  We can prove it – we have videos!

{the five jury members yell their agreement with the Defense Attorney.  The other seven sit in shocked silence}

Judge:  The jury is out of hand, and our bailiff won’t carry out his duty.  I’m declaring a mistrial, and this is going to have to start all over.  I’m sorry.

Prosecuting Attorney 1:  But it took us five years to even get the case to court here, and we were going to face appeals anyway no matter what!  Stump is a criminal and will never pay for his crimes!

Defense Attorney:  Jewish Space Lasers!!!

{the five members of the jury rise up and start smashing the furniture – the rest still sit and do nothing.  The judge and attorneys flee. One of the do-nothing members of the jury turns to another and says, “Why doesn’t anyone do anything about these crazy people?  They’re going to hurt someone!”}